The Two-Minute Haggadah
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Dad got this from his intellectual property lawyer and it served us well this passover. For those who haven't had their Seder yet, feel free to offer this one up to the relatives.
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For Those Of You Who Don't Have The Patience To Sit Thru A Full Seder:
The Two-Minute Haggadah..... A Passover Service For The Impatient !!
Opening Prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt.
Now we're free.
That's why we're doing this.
Four Questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?
Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making
decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.
A Funny Story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning.
(Heat soup now.)
The Four Kinds Of Children and How To Deal With Them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-brow beat in front of the relatives.
Speaking Of Children:
We Hid Some Matzoh.
Whoever Finds It Gets Five Bucks !!
The Story Of Passover:
It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt.
Pharaoh is a nightmare.
We cry out for help.
God brings Plagues upon the Egyptians.
We escape, bake some matzoh.
God parts the Red Sea.
We make it through.
The Egyptians aren't so lucky.
We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in
Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted
again.
(Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues:
Blood, Frogs, Lice - You Name It !!
The Singing Of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it
would've been enough.
If He'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been
enough.
If He'd Parted the Red Sea (remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now) etc.
Eat Matzoh. Drink More Wine. Slouch !!
Thanks again, God, for everything.
SERVE MEAL !!
Say Grace. Drink more wine. Sing some more songs. Try to stay awake.
Who knows one? Who knows two through thirteen?
Dad bought a goat for two zuzim. Everyone beats up every one until God
steps in.
Go to sleep.
Do it again another night.
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And remember the universal Jewish prayer for all occations:
"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
Happy Passover! X)
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Devious Comments
That is priceless. ^_^
--
"The Bat that flits at close of Eve has left the Brain that won\'t believe."-Blake
Why yes! I am a POOK11AFC member! (O_: ))
I STILL BELIEVE IN HARVEY DENT
"There is no charge for Awesomeness...Or Attractiveness."-Kung Fu Panda
Happy Pesach! Try not to get sick from all the matzo
--
If holidays were twelve months long
And life were games and fun
And all the skies
Were filled with PSI's
...Would thinking still get done?
=FeatureShare
That is AWESOME Bili!
And makes me wish we had a summary like that instead of Dad reading too many verses of Torah to start the whole thing off. -.-;
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"If I knew what I was looking for, I could probably find it." -papercut
"Only the injured can truly love, only the maimed can truly mourn."
It could be worse! Couldn't it?
--
Comment, to get comments.
Share your kindness, not your hate.
Love the art, before yourself.
This year my mom bought new haggadahs that are essentially the old ones with sturdier, color covers and no food/wine stains yet. >>; There were complaints. I suggested that we hold a vote as to which set to use. <<; Mom shot me down.
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"If I knew what I was looking for, I could probably find it." -papercut
"Only the injured can truly love, only the maimed can truly mourn."
It could be worse! Couldn't it?
--
Comment, to get comments.
Share your kindness, not your hate.
Love the art, before yourself.
Or at least that my uncle was more devout, and lived closer.
Because then we could say, "Fuck, why do the long boring one? We've got a quick one for impatient pricks like us!"
Actually point of fact I've never really understood the point of having children sit there asking stupid questions about what they're doing at the damn table that they asked last year and never cared about the answer to. Is it supposed to make them shut up longer by giving them the illusion that they've got an important part in a ceremony that's only ever done anything to them if they're allergic to matzoh?
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Elder gods ruin parties.
"Ed obeys the ramen! Only the Ramen! All others are false! Repent!"~Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV
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"He was tall, pale and stick thin. No one wanted to date someone who looked like the poster child for anorexia." - Babel Fish.
"My Dyslexia deserves a good punch in the mouth." - BMF
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